Ken Fite

I had a conversation this week with some friends and we started talking about helping others and how frustrating it can be when those we help don’t help themselves. At least that how we perceive it. But the reality is that some people we help do want to help themselves, they’re just not ready yet.

I’m sure you’ve been there. You’ve tried helping a family member, a friend, or a coworker. Maybe they needed some advice or they asked you for direction of some sort to improve in some way.

So you help them. You make them a priority. You invest your time and energy. You pour yourself into that person only to see them not take your advice and not make any kind of progress at all.

You start to feel like you’re wasting your time. Why help others if they won’t help themselves?

What else can you do to help this person see the light? What else can you say to help them get it?

Understand this: you may never see that person bloom and become everything they’re meant to be.

Not because they can’t or won’t get there. And not because you’re doing anything wrong. But because when it comes to helping others, we’re either the seed, the pot, or the water.

In the moment, you may not recognize which one you are. If you’ve been trying to help someone and they’re just not getting it, you may just be the seed. If you’re starting to see a change for the better but no major progress, you may just be the pot. Be okay with that. Realize that without you, that person wouldn’t have a chance to improve their life at some point in the future.

If you see results, recognize that there were others before you who helped you become the water.

It can be hard to protect your time to get important work done. Sometimes we get interrupted by other people who need us to drop everything we’re doing and work on their thing first. Or we get an unexpected phone call or some other kind of interruption that we didn’t plan for and need to take care of. But sometimes we are our own worst enemy when it comes to protecting our time. We sit down with every intention to get our work done but then a thought pops into our head about something else we should be doing and like a dog who sees a squirrel, we get distracted.

I write my books and work on the blog in the mornings. I do this so that it doesn’t interfere with anything else I’m committed to during the day. Also so I don’t get the stink eye from my wife.

Every morning since last June I’ve woken up at 5:00 AM. I should say almost every morning. On the Fourth of July we had friends over and stayed up until 3 so I woke up at 7. Then one day I woke up at 5 but fell asleep on the couch as I waited for my coffee to brew. I woke up at 6 to cold coffee.

But for the most part, for the last eight months, I’ve been on fire with waking up early and writing for two hours each morning. However, over the last month, I’ve really been struggling with focusing. Which I realize is ironic, having just published a book on how to improve your focus. The reality is, we are all human and can use a swift kick in the arse sometimes, even if it’s us kicking ourselves.

I’m almost done writing my next book which will be on memory. It’s an interesting enough topic, but I’ve gotten into the bad habit of procrastinating during the first hour of my day instead of writing. I’ll check my stats, or I work on email, or I get lost in Facebook. Then I’ll look at the clock and see that half of my time is up. Wasted. Gone forever. I feel tempted to throw in the towel and give up.

Today I got back on track. I let the last month go and started over. That’s all you can do sometimes.

If you’ve been beating yourself up for not sticking to your plans and protecting your time, let it go. It’s a new day. We have another chance. Recommit yourself to your goal and begin again.

This weekend, my six-year-old son Kyle and I decided to go on a bike ride around the block to get out of the house and get a little exercise. Mommy doesn’t have a bike so she walked.

But halfway through our ride we had a problem – one of Kyle’s training wheels came loose. He was stuck, unable to move. So we had two choices: either Kyle and I could walk the bike back home or I could go back and grab a wrench. (At least I think it was a wrench. I’m not handy so it could have been a hammer. I have no idea.) We decided that he’d stay with mommy and I’d go back home real quick to get the wrench (hammer?) and come back to fix the bike so he could keep on riding.

It wasn’t until I started tightening the loose training wheel that I realized how small the bike was. Or maybe Kyle is just so much bigger now. Either way, the bike wasn’t the right fit anymore.

We have a bigger bike that we bought a few months ago that fits him perfectly. It’s the right size for him. And it doesn’t have any training wheels. He should love it. But Kyle doesn’t want to ride the big bike. He likes his small one, even though it’s starting to look like a circus bike being ridden by a circus clown. The big bike is the next step up for Kyle, but the small one is familiar and safe to him.

I asked him if he wanted to try it and he said, “No”. I asked why and he said, “Because I’m scared.”

I thought about how so many of us go through life like this. We’ve outgrown the “bikes” in our lives. Instead of moving to the next level, the bigger bike, we stall out. We get comfortable where we are, even though where we are may not be where we’re supposed to be. We’re scared that we may fall and skin a knee. What we don’t realize is that in order to get to the next level in our lives, in any area, we have to remove the training wheels and we have to eventually move to the bigger bike. We have to take the risk if we want the reward. And yes, it is scary. We probably will skin a knee.

It’s good to take a long, hard look at the “bikes” in our lives from time to time to figure out if they still fit us. If they do, great – fill up those tires and keep on riding. If we have crutches that we’re leaning on and keeping us from growing, it may be time to take off the training wheels. And if our rides are starting to look a little like they belong to a circus clown, it may be time to move to a bigger bike.

We had family in town visiting from Iowa this week and after a few days of craziness, my father-in-law suggested taking my wife out on a date – the grandparents would watch the boys.

I started to think about all of the things I could get done with a few hours of kid-free time. I’m sure my wife, Missy, was doing the same. That’s usually what we do whenever someone watches the boys for us. Errands. It’s just so hard to get anything done with two maniacal boys tugging on you all of the time, constantly asking for snacks, never-ending chocolate milk refills, or piggyback rides.

But we decided to go out… dinner and a movie. Our first real date in a long time.

Marriages, like any relationship, are always growing or dying. They never stay in the exact same place that they were yesterday.

The thing is, you have to pay attention to your relationships. My kids need to see a strong bond between their parents. They need to see us in love and spending time together, intentionally.

Once we say our wedding vows, we tend to slowly stop the pursuit. We get distracted by life. We can finally sit back and focus on other things. Like salsa. But our wives need to be pursued.

We may not be able to go out on a date all of the time, but I can still date my wife and pursue her heart by doing things to show her that I love her.

I can:
-Call her during the day to see how she’s doing and if she needs anything from me.
-Change a disgusting poopy diaper without waiting for her to give me the look.
-Sit on the couch and watch The Bachelor with her and pretend that I like it.
-Take the kids to Chick-fil-A on Saturday mornings to give her a break with some kid-free time.
-Take previously mentioned poopy diaper to the trash outside because it’s still so disgusting inside.

The problem with waiting for a date night is that they come so infrequently. As much as we need to take care of and protect our kids, we also need to do the same for our marriages.

Never pass up an offer for someone to watch the kids.

Never stop dating your wife.

If you’re looking for a mentor and can’t find one, don’t lose hope. I was pretty lost when I first entered the business world. I had no mentor. I had no guidance. I was on my own.

Then a few years into my career, a manager took me under his wing. He taught me what I needed to do to get to the next level. Even when he left the company, he still made time to meet with me. I was lucky. For a while at least.

If you have a mentor, that’s great – take advantage of that opportunity. But you don’t need a mentor to go have coffee with. You don’t even need one that you can call and ask for advice on the phone.

Authors who write books can be your mentor. Podcasters can be your mentor.

When I struggled as a new employee in corporate America, I read The Go-Getter: A Story That Tells You How To Be One by Peter B. Kyne and Linchpin: Are You Indispensable? by Seth Godin.

When I became a manager over ten years ago and I had no idea what I was doing, I discovered the Manager Tools podcast. I listened to over 500 episodes. More importantly, I applied what I learned.

When I wanted to run my own coffee roasting business, I read countless books on the subject. I taught myself how to make the best coffee I was capable of making. I went back to school and got my MBA so I could not only create my art, I could sell it and know how to run a business.

If you want to improve in any area of your life and you feel stuck because you don’t have a mentor, change your mindset.

The world’s best mentors, found in books and audio, are there waiting for you to discover them.

Taking the easy way out is so easy.

And I’m going to be honest with you… I feel like taking the easy way out.

Writing is hard work and I realize the irony in that statement seeing as how this is only my fourth post and my first post was just a YouTube video… but the truth is that it’s more fun to work on the blog, to design it, and to keep trying to make it better than it is to sit down and actually write.

That’s the theme that I think a lot of people deal with. We all want to make some kind of dent in the world, whether it’s becoming a writer, getting out of debt, or being a great parent. But, we don’t want to do the hard work that’s required. You have to sit down and write, even if you struggle with what to say. You have to create a budget and make sacrifices if you ever want to be debt-free. You have to put down the cell phone and spend quality time with your kids before it’s too late.

And that’s exactly why there’s only a few writers with a huge readership compared to most who give up soon after they start when they don’t see immediate results. That’s why a few families use gazelle intensity to clean up their finances and change their family tree forever while most spend money they don’t have to buy things they don’t need to impress people who don’t care. That’s why some parents will make memories with their kids and live in the moment while most others will continue viewing life through a four inch screen.

Being the best in the world – in your world – isn’t easy. But it’s worth it.

Stop making resolutions. They just don’t work. Most people don’t keep them anyway… there’s a reason why the gym is packed the first week in January and back to normal by March. In fact, 25% of people who set New Year’s resolutions abandon them after one week and 60% abandon them within six months. Often, the resolutions we make on January 1st aren’t specific enough and are usually made on a whim without much thought. Earlier this year, I decided to write a book… but I procrastinated for six months. I finally set a goal in June to write at least 500 words every day. Whenever I would hit 500 words, I was done for the day. I published five books by December. If you had asked me in May if I would be able to write five book by the end of the year, I would have said that it was impossible. Why? Because we tend to overestimate what we can do in the short-term and underestimate what we can do in the long-term.

An article written in the New York Times a few years ago revealed that approximately 81% of Americans felt that they had a book in them to write and share with the world. But most of those books go unwritten. People just don’t have time to write. That’s what they tell themselves, at least. They focus on the final product, the finished book, which is overwhelming… instead of focusing on a small daily goal that’s attainable.

The average book length is 64,000 words. If you wrote just over 500 words a day, you could write three full-length books every year.

That’s the length of this blog post. Can you write this much a day to write three books this year?

Better yet, can you write at least 175 words a day (the length of the first paragraph of this blog post) and write one book, the one you have in you, this year? If that’s not your goal, can you resolve to make progress each day to accomplish something amazing that you’ve always wanted to do?

The thing about goals is that they’re easy to skip but hard to catch up on. I’ll pass going for a jog today, I’ll just go tomorrow. Or, I’ll skip writing today, I’ll just double up tomorrow and write 1,000 words. The problem is that tomorrow never really comes as long as we use it as an excuse to relax today. It’s so much harder for me to write 1,000 words than it is to write 500. Again, we tend to overestimate what we can do in the short-term and underestimate what we can do in the long-term. This is why making resolutions rarely works. They’re too vague and aren’t actionable.

A goal without a due date is a dream. If you want to accomplish more in 2015, do this:

• Be specific. What do you want to accomplish (long-term) and what small steps, specifically, can you take immediately to work towards the goal?
• Write down your goals. Dr. Gail Matthews at Dominican University in California proved through a study that by writing down a goal, people were 42% more likely to follow through.
• Measure your progress. What doesn’t get measured doesn’t get managed. I keep track of how many words I write each day. I know that if I follow my daily plan, I’ll write that next book.

New Year’s resolution                          Goal
I will lose 50 pounds this year.             I will lose 1 pound a week, starting this week.
I will get in shape.                                I will go for a jog three days a week.
I will drink more water.                         I will drink an extra glass of water daily.
I will spend more time with friends.      I will invite friends over today to hang out.
I will read the Bible this year.               I will read 3 chapters every day, starting today.
I will write a book this year.                  I will write 175 words a day, starting today.

Stop making resolutions already and start setting goals.

Last week, I watched Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with my boys who are six and two. We watch it every year and I have most of it memorized now. I’ve been watching the special since I was their age. The boys loved the parts with Hermey the elf who dreams of being a dentist but instead makes toys.

We laughed together as we watched Hermey get in trouble with his supervisor who notices that the shy elf isn’t keeping pace with the other elves and the pileup of toys is “a mile wide.”

Confused as to what’s causing the holdup, the supervisor asks, “What’s eating you, boy?” and Hermey replies, “Not happy in my work, I guess…I just don’t like to make toys.”

“What!?” the boss yells. The boys and I laugh together. I hit rewind so we can watch it again. Then he asks, “Do you mind telling me what you do want to do?” and Hermey admits that someday, he’d like to be a dentist.

The supervisor screams, “A dentist!? You’re an elf, and elves make toys.”

Later, the head elf asks Hermey, “Why weren’t you at elf practice?” Hermey says, “Just fixing these dolls’ teeth”… and the supervisor responds, “Just fixing…? Now listen, we have dolls that cry, talk, walk, blink, and run a temperature. We don’t need any chewing dolls.” Hermey says he just wants to fit in and the boss says, “You’ll never fit in! Now, you come to elf practice, learn how to wiggle your ears, chuckle warmly, go ‘hee-hee’ and ‘ho-ho’, and important stuff like that. A dentist! Good grief!”

He slams the door. The boys laugh again.

But I started thinking about how we could learn a lot from this misfit elf.

• Hermey found an opportunity. He knew the town didn’t have a dentist and needed one. He had the interest and skillset to fill that void and realized that success only comes when preparation meets opportunity.
• Hermey was determined. He wasn’t going to let anyone tell him that he was just an elf. Even if he had to leave everything behind and start over and be independent, he was going to be a dentist.
• Hermey practiced. Yes, he was a little too lazy at work. But he knew his stuff. He read everything he could about dentistry. He practiced on toys. He did the hard work of learning his craft to one day follow his calling.
• Hermey believed in himself. When he met fellow misfit Rudolph who asked, “Who are you?” Hermey replied, “Well, actually, I am a dentist.”
• Hermey took action. When the Abominable Snow Monster of the North (aka the “Bumble”) threatened to hurt his friends, Hermey used his dentistry skills to remove the Bumble’s teeth. He proved himself.

I must have seen this Christmas special thirty times but I had never really given that part much thought. As the boys watched the rest of the special, I couldn’t help but think about how we’re all misfits like Hermey in a way.

Are you an accountant who wants to be a stay-at-home mommy?

Are you a businessman who wants to be an author?

Are you a college student who wants to be a dentist?

Who are you, really?

It’s hard to believe that David Osmond recorded this in just one take.
Enjoy this rendition of Oh Come All Ye Faithful and Merry Christmas.